Wednesday, July 25, 2012

anger

growing up at dinner we always did "best and worst," where we'd go around the table and say the best and worst parts of our day.  you can get a pretty solid idea of the day a person has had by that little exercise, i hereby recommend it.  this blog is full of the bests, but in the name of truth i should probably throw some worsts in there too.  especially because i want other single mamas out there to be able to read this and go "holla!" and no single (or any) mother's experience is all sunshine and gravy.  

shoshi's dad has decided to make a reappearance in her life, and i hadn't even realized how calm and peaceful our lives had become without him until he did.  even with no support payments since april, things were so blessedly easy when he was just off doing his own thing. now, he's back.  and how did i forget how physically exhausting anger can be?  yesterday at work i just wanted to jump up from my desk and run laps around the building.  by the end of the day and many dozens of ferociously insulting, threatening texts later, i was bone-tired.  just stone cold tuckered to the deep end of my soul, from the anger and injustice of the day, and the difficulty of staying calm in the face of the hurricane.

i kept thinking, please let the goodness from this wretched situation reveal itself to me.  there has to be some reason that i'm going through this, some thing that will make this all worthwhile or at least bearable.  can i get a reason?  then i got home.  i saw my shoshi girl, wearing nothing but her little navy swimsuit, painting bright red paint with a roller brush in the neighbor's garage, with her tongue sticking out and the happiness of all that red ink just radiating from her body.  oh, wait.  right.  shoshanna mary, you are so worth your crazy dad to me.  so worth it.  even though linking myself to her dad for life was sort of the worst decision i ever made, in a way it's also the hands-down best.  she is my reason.         



i filled the tub up to the brim with bubbles, and she and i both climbed in.  she nursed and i just sat quietly (which i never do these days) and let the anger and weariness leave me.  the spread of bad things in life always comes with a side order of just what you need to squeak on through and make it to the other side, i've found.  sometimes it might not be much, but it's always enough.


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