we have sure had our differences, and i have spent much of the past six months being furious with david, but at the end of the day, i will always be so grateful to him for the existence of our shoshanna mary. she looks just like him, those two part-cherokees with the exact same shade of brown eyes. she gets her wildness from him, and her seriously enviable dance moves.
pictures of david and shoshi at age two are remarkably similar, their super-straight ragamuffin hair, big ol' foreheads, and a certain gleam in their eyes. when she flings herself from the top of a jungle gym, climbs the ladder to the pool slide fifty times a day (and would slide right in without a glance back, if we didn't grab her each time), and yells "higher!" whenever she's on a swing--that's her papa, and i'm so glad she has that side to her. (what mother could imagine her child any other way than what they are?) it's the same side that compels her to wave and say a fearless "hi" to anyone she encounters, from homeless men to high-heel clicking businesswomen in suits, frat boys and other little kids. she is really so different from me, and i learn so much from her because of it.
the other day i dropped off a little gift at a friend's house, and right around the corner was a house where i used to live when i was in college. the lights we'd strung around our second-floor porch were gone, as were the little green patio table and the overflowing garden of pots our downstairs neighbor had planted on his porch. but still, for an instant as i walked back to my car, i felt like i was back living there, about to run up the backdoor stairs and into the crowded, messy red kitchen full of mismatched plates and photobooth pictures. and for this crazy second i thought, where's sho? where was she during those days? it was almost a panicky feeling, like i'd somehow traveled back in time without my girl. which is all to say, there is sure a lot i would change about my past, but i also wouldn't change a thing, because it all lead to shoshanna mary. how worth it it's all been!