Friday, May 11, 2012

it was a hard morning today.  for the second time in a row, sho clung to me sobbing, the daycare teachers prying her off me while i ran for the door.  holy god, what a horrible moment in any working mother's life.  she started crying as soon as we pulled in the parking lot, saying "play, mama?"  when i said i could play with her for a little while but then had to go to work, she wailed, "go, car, mama!"  as in, let's get the eff outta here.  how tempting!  to just snatch her, ditch my job and drive to the beach for a day of ice cream and sand.


but i can't, little dude.  it's up to me these days to support the two of us, and that means being away from my kiddo for all but a few hours on weekdays.  honestly, it does feel unnatural to me.  i am full of guilt about it.  i've always really tried to follow my instincts as a parent, and look to the ways humans have been raising their chilluns for thousands of years, and kind of go by that.  wild parenting?  natural parenting?  attachment parenting?  who cares, it seems like when you put a label on it you're just trying to hurt someone's feelings or say "this way is best."  which isn't really my thing, i say go with whatevah works!  so anyway, what worked for us was for me to stay home and cuddle our baby up--even though we often didn't have any money at all because of it.  that stress definitely contributed to our divorce, but i am still so thankful for those almost-two years spent just lovin' on my girl.  it felt good and right (to me), to be able to nurse her whenever she was hungry and carry her with me as i went about my day, showing her the best version of the world i could.

and now, circumstances have changed and i have to work, and i'm happy to work.  sometimes i feel guilty about how happy i really am to work, for long hours at a time, without tending to a small person's many illogical and exhausting needs.  but then i think about how small she really is, and how sort of biologically unnatural it is for a little one to be separated from her mother for such a long, long time, every day.  i'm not really sure what to say about it, other than it doesn't feel quite right.  (to me, that is.  i feel nothing but admiration and empathy for other working mamas.)

her daycare IS amazing, the best in town i'd say, and she is a social kid who will really benefit from time with other kiddos, which she was really lacking in her life.  i guess i just often think about the way humans have lived for thousands of years, in tribal communities where the women gather together to do their many tasks and tend the children, who get to play together, and the men also gather together to get other things done, and the whole community benefits and thrives from all this working together.  is that a romanticized notion?  probably, but my soul still thirsts for something along those lines. 

sitting here in an office chair, listening to 103.3 "W-K-F-R!" and answering phones, saying "can i let him know who's calling?"  and "let me put you through to voicemail" dozens of times each just seems so far away from my potential as a human on this planet.  

we'll figure it out though, and in the meantime i am so grateful for this time in our lives, however difficult it may be.  talk about first world problems!  


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