[sho and i at her first birthday party. photo by vanessa hardy]
[vanessa and shoshi, one year ago]
so yesterday, after i picked up sho from daycare, we headed to the store for a "quick trip" to get the ingredients for her daycare dirt cake (i got gummi worms and edible flowers y'all). holy god it was a shit show of the highest order. sho was tuckered out and refused to stay in the cart, so we alternated between her running alongside the cart and the very short me (somehow this made it all the more embarassing) carrying her on my shoulders as i pushed our cart. i was hot, tired, and flustered, trying to keep this kid from all-out losing it in the middle of a super-crowded grocery store. and i try not to talk about this, but i was angry at her dad, too, for not even acknowledging her birthday yet and for leaving me to do this--all of this--on my own, every day, with no financial help to boot. i thought, "man, anyone who sees me right now is thinking: 'that woman is in over her head.'" and i realized that that is kind of my biggest ego trip/fear, for anyone to think that i can't handle my life or the things that are happening in it. but dude...sometimes i can't. so what? we've all been there. (or if not, your life has been way too easy.) what on earth good does it do for me to pretend i'm doing totally groovy, with a screaming toddler on my shoulders and a spilled carton of blueberries at my feet? i don't know, it was just a good thing for me to realize. i can fail at this sometimes, it'll be okay.
it almost made that cluster-cuss of a grocery trip worthwhile.