Saturday, September 8, 2012

sharing

sho's dad recently acquired a seat for the back of his bike and has picked her up on it a few times, much to her delight.  yesterday afternoon she kept begging my mom, "please, uma, pleeease go on bi-suck ride with papa?"  oddly enough, at that exact moment david was texting me to ask if he could pick sho up on his bike and take her for a couple hours in the evening.
  
it's hard to let her go at night, when i haven't seen her all day.  for me (and david too, i think), that's the hardest part of not being together, the sharing of our girl.  my mama impulses are pulled in many different directions, from wishing so much that i could protect and be with her sweet small self all the time -- like mothers of young ones should, i think -- to wanting what makes my girl happy, which is also being with her dad and feeling the wind on her face as he pedals, "faster, faster papa!"    

i am overwhelmingly thankful that we split up when we did.  there is no doubt in my mind that it's best for sho and me.  and as far as i can tell, any memories she has of the three of us living together are murky and dream-like; we moved out when she was seventeen months old, to the day.  i can't imagine how difficult it would be to get a divorce when a kid is five, or ten, or fifteen, when they have so many memories of being a family together.  but still, there is now so much time ahead of sharing my girl.  i always have to remind myself that she needs a papa, too...as maddening as he can be.    

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3 comments:

  1. Hi!
    Ive never commented to you before, but I thought it was time I did. I just wanted to let you know that I really like reading your blog because of posts like this. You're so sincere. I feel like I can relate to you.
    Anyways, hope you have a good day!
    -nici :)

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    1. hi nici, wow! thanks so much for the comment, it made my day! thank you for reading, it means a lot.
      love, sarah

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  2. Hi Sarah, it's amazing, I feel like you are writing about my life here, and me. I'm in the same situation only my boy is much younger and I haven't really been together with his father at all. Now he suddenly wants to be a part of his life. And I feel like, why should I let this stranger in our lives? Why do I have to give my most precious one to a stranger who just happens to share some of his DNA? A stranger who hasn't thought about what it means to be a parent for one minute, "ruining" my parental efforts...and baby boy couldn't care less about a dad like this at this stage of his life, and he doesn't understand why he can't be in his mama's arms. To be honest, I probably don't have it that bad compared to what I read about other single moms, but nevertheless it breaks my heart having to share my little with someone who I neither love nor care for much. It breaks my heart even more to know that what happens now hopefully will be for the better of N's life in a couple of years, but right now he doesn't want to be with his father, he needs his mother. And as you said, I believe it's quite natural for very young children and mothers to be together all the time, regardless of what a men's rights activist might say about parental equality. Well. Just saying thank you for sharing this stuff because it makes people like me feel less alone. Greets, Lisa

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